I would have been a good mom.
There I said it. Can you tell this is going to be a heavier blog post then normal? hah!
But for real, this blog post has been weighing on me since April 2019 when I first started a blog. It has gone through so many revisions I have lost count and I wish I hit publish on EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. To document what I've been thinking and praying through. To open the dialogue sooner. To just get it off my chest. To show you how far I've come.
I never did though for tons of reasons. Because I couldn't tie a neat bow on it. There was no happy ending that I saw. Because it was too dark. Because I didn't want to bring you down. I didn't want to make you cry. I couldn't finish writing it because I couldn't stop crying. It was too hard to start. Then it was too hard to finish. I think there were 15 unpublished, unfinished blog posts.
I stated in my last blog post of 2019 that I was going to blog more. So here is the overdue blog post you never knew I was meaning to write into the world. I don't know where it'll take me because today is a different day and every day with infertility is a different beast.
Where do I start? I think this will be the first of many addressing what my take and experience will be about infertility. I can't speak for anyone else. But the stories I've heard when I first shared about it on Instagram has been similar to my own. The sorrow, the shame, the guilty and the resentment. A lot of us felt it.
But here's what I've learned in the last three or more years that we (my husband and I) have dealt with Infertility. Capital I Infertility because at one point it was such a large thingggg hanging over our heads.
Lesson 1) Grace
I have learned immense grace through this journey. I have been young and ignorant before I myself dealt with infertility. I have asked dumb questions. Suggested silly options. I CRINGEEEE at what I have said to women sharing their experience and now I know better. Boy oh boy do I know better.
I don't assume people have children anymore. I don't assume they want children. I don't assume if they can have children.
I have learned to forgive (and it does take grace) when someone unknowingly hurt me with their words. They don't mean to be careless like I once was.
Lesson 2) Patience
I'm still learning this. It's a hard lesson because it takes the most time. Waiting in infertility is difficult because you don't know if at the end of the wait you'll end up with a baby.
I can't talk about infertility without talking about my faith though. God plays such a huge part in my life so my sharing will inevitably include him. I know that this may not be your belief, but if you would allow me to share, I would like to tell you what I have learned.
I know God wants me to be patient. He hears my prayers. But I want to hear an answer now, whether it be yes or no.
I also know that's not how God works. He promises to answer prayers but his yes may be slow in coming. His no may seem terrible at the time. But I know that he wants what is best for me so his "no" means there is something else
I tell myself all these truths I believe. All the time. I'm still impatient. I want to know if I am not a mother, what he has in store for me. But I'm getting better at being patient, at waiting, at listening and at fulfilling all the other roles I've been blessed with.
Lesson 3) Joy
This is the best one. Learning to be joyful in my circumstance. Learning to be joyful for others who have their prayers answered with affirmatives.
When I am crippled with sorrow and mourn for another month because my period came, K likes to take me in his arms and reminds me that it's another month of just us two.
Just us two. This statement hurt at first. Because I DIDN'T WANT TO BE JUST US TWOOOOO YOU DOLT! THAT'S WHY I'M CRYING.
I didn't sayyyy that. But I wanted scream it at him. But you know what. Just us two. It's not so bad.
It reminds me that I'm not alone. My husband is with me. And we get to do so much good together. We get to enjoy each other. Just us two.
I am learning to focus on what I have now. I am opening my eyes to all the good gifts that I have been given. I am learning not to focus on what I do not have. And in doing so, I am more thankful and happier.
That's what I'm learning.
This isn't all I have to say about my infertility. But I've shared quite a bit already. And I want to hit publish before I change my mind. Before I get too emotional. Before I think of all the other excuses I had before that prevented me from hitting publish.
I dunno. I just want you to know that you're not alone.
And if this isn't something you ever thought of or have experienced. I'm grateful you're reading this! Because these lessons are universal. Because I want to share. I want you to know. Not for my sake. But for the others in your life who are experiencing this.
Thanks for reading guys.